Never Have I Ever
by DumbVs.Dumber
Summary: This story is in place of the epilogue for Mockingjay since I didn't particularly like the ending. Peeta's flashbacks get worse and he is forced to leave District 12. How will Katniss cope? Is there anyone who can reignite the spark in the Girl on Fire? -not that good at summaries, but please check it out!-
1. Chapter 1

My name is Gale Hawthorne. I was a powerful rebel in the war. My inventions killed many people. Maybe I should've died too...

It's not until now that I realize my hands are shaking.

"How do you live with yourself?" I can hear Katniss' harsh unforgiving voice, demanding an answer from me.

"I don't." I mutter more to myself than anyone. Who could call what I'm doing "living"?No one...

"You don't? You don't what Gale?" My therapist Cali, a pretty blonde woman, asks in that unscarred, velvet voice that I can't stand. I never did like blondes. They just remind me of all those merchant girls from Town.

"Nothing."

She's unconvinced.

"Gale, these sessions are only going to work if you help me- help you."

"What's up with all this help shit?" I snap. "I don't wanna help anyone and nobody actually cares about me...so what's the point?"

"But I do want to help you." she simpers.

Ew. Not her too, please. I'm tired of everyone's sympathy, I deserve the punishment I get. I don't want all their attention.

Some part of me knows I'm being stubborn, but it's not enough to make me open up to someone. Killing people...well it may be the same in execution. But the aftermath- it's ample to push people to insanity. Especially me.

***So yeah...I'm pretty new at this and I'd really like some sort of feedback before I would upload more, but trust me, there's plenty more to come :) if you so choose that is. And this is really a small sample of the story. Thanx!**


	2. Chapter 2

**-Sorry, I forgot to put a disclaimer for the last chapter, but obviously I am not the brilliant Suzanne Collins :) **

"Gale," I try to refocus my attention on Cali. "You did come to me for advice." She ventures in a stern, yet somehow cautious, tone.

"Yeah, and I'm starting to regret it."

She flinches behind her red-rimmed glasses. Okay, maybe I've gone too far...no wonder I didn't get the girl...

She crosses the office to sit next to me on the green, plush couch. The look in those large brown eyes makes me want to lay it out there, spill the emotions and thoughts I've kept caged in all this time. Let all those tears fall.

I force myself to stay calm. Before I begin, I draw in a shaky breath, trying to clear the fog that has settled around my mind. It doesn't help much.

"It's been two years." I'm a bit startled as I hear how small my voice sounds, "Two years of regret, two years of having to live with my mistakes, and it's already too much to bear."

Cali starts to object but I cut her off.

"Don't. They call me a hero...all of them...but they couldn't be..couldn't be further from..the truth." I stutter out.

I've never been good with words. My tongue gets tied and things come out in the worst ways possible. Even when I need them most, they still fail me. Unlike..._him._

She looks perplexed. "I'm not sure I understand." Cali says gently, probably trying to prevent another outburst.

"I promised I'd protect her. Promised nothing would ever happen to her little Primrose...I just hope she's in a better place than this cruel world." I swallow down the tears that are clawing at the back of my throat, willing myself to continue. "Now Katniss can never trust me again, never...love, me again. Not that she ever did. He's always had her heart."

Cali appears to be attempting to piece together my puzzle of words, the new clarification that this involves the one and only Miss Everdeen must be helping. The Mockingjay. My Catnip. Or used to be. She slowly starts nodding in understanding.

I ramble on anyways. "I sacrificed everything for her. To the rebellion, the only thing she was certain she believed in. I thought I did everything right. But somehow I sacrificed something that wasn't mine to give...and I can't forget! And I've tried so hard..." My voice starts to break so I stop. I'm sure I'll lose it soon. Fly off the deep end as so many have assumed. They're probably right.

"Some things aren't meant to be forgotten." Cali states and I'm shocked to see she's the one who's crying. "Listen-" she begins, trying to collect herself, "I'm not going to make this about me because its not. But just remember one thing- everyone has lost something in this, all you can do is hold on. Do anything to keep yourself sane. Nothing will end if you don't stop it. And your new beginning is waiting for you to find it. Don't lose yourself out there Gale."

I feel guilty and somewhat ashamed for wallowing around in my pities. But that's me- always thinking of myself...it never even crossed my mind that Cali's life wasn't the picture perfect one I had imagined it to be.

An apology is about to reach my lips when she abruptly gets up and leaves.

I understand the concept of "alone time" quite well.

I grab my jacket from the coat rack and head back to my new apartment.

Most people here look at me with respect, since to them I'm Soldier Hawthorne. I even get a few salutes. But there are those select few. The ones who can read between the lines and see me for what I truly am. A broken man.

_More like boy. _That's what I feel like. A broken lovesick boy with the weight of the world and the cruel, harsh truth of life crushing his unsteady shoulders. This entire thought process really should've taken a hit on my pride, not that I have any these days. Some would say I'm pessimistic, although honestly, I've grown accustomed to this kind of thinking filling my waking hours. But those demons that visit me at night...those are things I'd rather not reflect on.

I bet she has no idea. Katniss, that is, the only "she" that means a damn thing to me anymore. Well her and Prim...I can't even glance at another woman without thinking of Kat. Pathetic I know. Anyways- I bet she has no clue the way I practically had a heart attack when I saw Prim there, outside of the President's Mansion. The way I tried to clutch her arm and pull her to safety, but missed my chance by mere seconds. Seconds that will haunt me for the rest of my life. How time seemed to freeze when I first caught sight of those bombs.

And I know who's head these thoughts are also coursing through. The funny thing is, wait...not funny, nothing is humorous anymore, well either way- I don't blame her. I'm no longer selfish into thinking she could ever forgive me. Because I could never forgive myself.

But if there's anything left of the person I used to be, I'll do what's right...I know that might be wishful thinking...I decide Katniss needs to hear me say it. Apologize. Maybe I'll even convince her I'm not the coward she thinks I am. Well, _knows _I am...

As soon as my door clicks shut, I drop everything, literally, and bolt for the telephone. A device I've gotten so little use of its a miracle I even know how to operate it. I dial what I remember to be Katniss' number, praying she will answer.

The ringing ceases.

"Uh, hello?" My heart drops to the pit of my stomach. It's Peeta.

"Hey, um, I, its-" I'm stumbling. Big time. I should've known I'd make a fool of myself trying this. Not that I'm really one to think of the consequences my actions may create. Too late now.

Finally I get out "This is Gale." Instead of all hell breaking loose, as I'd half expected, I'm greeted with extremely uneasy complete and utter silence. I guess he was shocked to hear that name again.

"Just a sec." He basically slams the receiver down and I'm pretty sure neither one of them is aware I can hear their argument crystal clear. Also confirming Katniss is indeed present and I didn't somehow call Peeta accidentally, in which case I would've been embarrassed to no extent.

"Peeta I don't want to talk to him. Ever."

Ouch.

"Doesn't he at least deserve to hear that from you?" Why's bread boy so calm?

And no, I don't deserve a damn thing actually.

"I hate him!" Katniss screeches so loud I swear I can feel it cutting through my skin. She has no idea the pain she causes me. There's another very long, very uncomfortable silence in which I can visualize Katniss trying relentlessly to give Peeta the staredown. She gave "if looks could kill" a new meaning.

_Or they could be kissing, _some twisted voice in the back of my mind whispers tauntingly.**  
**

I'm certain I've gone mad.

I try to shake the disturbingly clear mental image of them making out, _while I'm still on the phone, _out of my head. Too bad my conscious loves watching me suffer. Then suddenly I hear something.

"Peeta stop!" Stop what?

"And why would I do that?" He purrs. Oh my gosh...

"I can't breathe!" Hm, didn't know Katniss' voice could be that high pitched...

Peeta laughs but that's about when I slam the phone against the wall and unclench my fists as the pieces tumble to the floor.

I throw myself on the bed. Not really sure if I'm furious or depressed, jealous or disgusted.

_Let her go_ screams through my head, my whole body. Overlapping into a dark melody that is almost demanding me to comply.

It must be all these anti-depressants I'm on making me be like this.

I bet you anything one of the side effects is insanity.

I bury my head in a pillow, barely muffling my strangled, choked sobs. I think I scream myself to sleep.

Choruses of "let her go" jumbling through my nightmares, singing me a deadly goodnight lullaby. But, even after all this time, one word is prominent amongst all the others.

_Never._

_**Please, please review :) thanks for reading! I'll only write more if you ask! **  
_


	3. Chapter 3

**I know it's been awhile since I've updated but I hope this makes up for it!:) I forgot to mention- this is a shared account with my writer buddy haha but anyways this one is all me, we will upload stories that we wrote together soon though. And obviously I am not Suzanne Collins soo ENJOY**

_Earlier that same day_

KATNISS' POV

_"Was it your bomb?" _

_ "I don't know. Neither does Beetee," he says. "Does it matter? You'll always be thinking about it." _

My eyes snap open, and I'm alone again. Alone in this bed, alone in this house, alone in this world...

Nightmares. Dreams. Hallucinations. Reality. They all blur together. It feels like I'm in a constant buzz from tracker jacket venom and liquor. As ashamed as I am to admit it- I have actually taken up drinking. Not just a little here and there either. It's constant- addictive. I don't really care if people think I'm weak because I am. Why should I try and pretend?

I never leave the Victor's Village. Greasy Sae passed away and everyone else thinks I'm a lost cause, so no one even bothers to check in on me. The only company I keep is that good-for-nothing furball of a cat.

So here I am- the person I swore I'd never become.

_***Line Break***_

The door swings open just as I'm about to reach for the knob. I hardly sleep anymore and I'm not used to interruptions such as this. A long line of obscenities is about to reach my lips when I'm greeted with a face I wasn't expecting in the slightest. His hair in a mess, but I'd recognize those blue eyes anywhere.

"What the hell do you want Peeta?" I ask incredulously.

He doesn't reply. Although, very uncharacteristic of him, he does fairly shamelessly scan my body, taking in my attire. Or lack thereof. I don't really dress to impress these days, so I'm only wearing a large t-shirt. The old Catn- I mean Katniss would've been blushing like a maniac at this. But I honestly don't care.

I continue to stare at him skeptically, waiting for him to explain his presence. I'd like to say that it's too late. There's no hope for me now.

Peeta just shrugs and pushes past me through the doorway.

I follow him into the kitchen. He's resting against the table and seems amused for some reason, with that smirk playing at the corner of his lips.

Gosh, he's cute.

Wait, what? Nevermind. Why would I care? I'm no longer a teen with romance on the mind.

He walks over to me where I sit on the countertop, too close for my liking I will admit. I give him the best disapproving glare I can muster, he doesn't waver. Peeta's fingers gently trail up my face to tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

"Where have you been?" I ask, still apprehensive.

Only a slight pause passes before the words escape his mouth-

"Working up the courage to do this." His lips brush mine, just briefly, waiting for my reaction.

His eyes. His smile. Those lips...

Away with estranged Katniss.

This isn't hijacked Peeta, I see no traces of him. This is my boy with the bread.

I grab his shirtfront roughly, yet efficiently, pulling him back to me.

There's a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me this is wrong. _Something horrible will come of this, you just wait,_ it taunts. But Peeta is such a sweet distraction. Such an easy way out to forget the past. What's the harm, right? Too bad the nagging voice is usually right...

**Kinda short, but there's more to come:) please, please, PLEASE review! **


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm back...it's only been what..like months.. :) ANYWAYS i want to thank everyone who reads & reviews. Enjoy! (Hopefully) **

KATNISS' POV

I spend the rest of the afternoon just enjoying Peeta's company. He laughs a lot, saying how ridiculous it is that I've practically turned into Haymitch. I which I suppose is true. But hey, there's worse people to be like...right?

I didn't even realize I'd fell asleep until I'm jolted awake by the harsh ringing of that blasted phone, that's somehow the one thing in the house I haven't managed to destroy yet.

I just groan, no one that important is going to be calling me anyways. Peeta gets up though, kissing my forehead before answering.

"Uh, hello?"

I smile slightly at how awkward he seems, but it drops immediately at the expression on his face. Shock mixed with a definite rage.

"Just a sec."

He slams the receiver down, and even though I'm partially crazy, I swear by the look on his face- I know who it has to be. How dare he have the nerve to call here...after all this time. Still, a part of me is relieved. He hasn't forgot.

That doesn't mean it's not too late.

And it also doesn't stop the spiteful worlds that spill out of my mouth.

"Peeta, I don't want to talk to him. Ever."

"Doesn't he at least deserve to hear that from you?"

No, he doesn't deserve a damn thing actually.

"I hate him!"

I thought something in my tone would finally convince him that I don't want Gale back in my life. It does not have the desired effect.

Something in his eyes changes. They go straight from prey to predator. This is not good, because I recognize that stare. The one that caused so much pain, anger and hurt- its back.

But before I even have a chance to react, he has me pinned against the wall.

_to be continued..._

**Yes, I do realize how pathetically short this is. I'm just so tired :/ But you must trust me when I say I have more written. And I shall get on updating this story ASAP and definitely more often after that. **

**Please review! I seriously have no motivation to continue when you don't! **


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